Second Chances (aka I'm Being A Bigger Person)

Read and enjoy:
Dean: hi

well you're not talking to me but i wanted to say that i miss you and I was wrong and you were right but i know you don't want me and i am sorry

I messed up a good thing

cause I am sub

stub

me: what?

4:31 PM stubborn?

Dean: yes

not willing to try something

set in my ways

and i am sorry for that

me: i know what you mean

ok

Dean: and i am sorry i hurt you

me: ok

4:32 PM Dean: did you find some one else already

me: it's been a week

so no

Dean: lol you sexy and hot

and really nice

me: yeah, that might be, but i'm not really in the mood to go out and date, you know?

4:33 PM Dean: well i would like to take you out on a date if you would want to ?

maybe a beach date tomorrow

4:34 PM i'm a dumb ass for letting you go just cause of what you eat

a fool

my head was all fucked up and now that i have had time to see out of the box I know you were right and i was wrong

4:35 PM u there?

me: but do you understand that it goes beyond what I eat?

Dean: yes

4:36 PM me: like, there's the whole keeping a jewish house, and having traditions that I have been raised with

and would like to continue

Dean: I am a jew and my kids should know what that is too

yes i do

and i want to know them

me: ok

Dean: and you never know maybe i will like them or maybe not but i want to be with you

4:37 PM me: ok

thursday would be better

mara and i have a date tomorrow

Dean: tell her i said hi

ok

i will be free for you

4:38 PM me: ok

Dean: i know i will have to make things up to you but i will try my best

me: ok

Dean: I like you way to much to let you go

me: ok

Dean: and i am sorry it took time away from you to see that when i know it all along

me: i need to take it slow

4:39 PM Dean: thats cool

if you just want to start off as friends I can do that

me: we'll see how thursday goes

Dean: what ever you need hun

me: and go from there

Dean: ok

me: i actually have to get going to my mom's for dinner

i'll talk to you later

4:40 PM Dean: but if your going to slap me make it the right side of my face the left hurts already

me: why?

Dean: ok have fun with you mom

well it's funny

4:41 PM i was dreaming of you last night and it was a really good dream but then fall of the bed and on my face not so good

me: lol

Dean: yes i thought so to

4:42 PM cut my arm too

me: ouch

Dean: but it;'s like not even there now

just a bit of a scab

me: klutz

Dean: you know we r

=P

me: anywho, gotta run

4:43 PM Dean: any way i know you have to go and thank you for giving a fool another try even if it's one date it's a start

bye hun

---

So, Dean and I have a "date" on Thursday. I have already decided a few things about how this will go:

1) NO SEX: for at least a few weeks-months. I have electronic devices to get me through that.
2) No kissing on the first date. Fuck that shit. I'm running this game now, and he will have to wait if he's going to get back in good with me.
3) He will have to prove himself worthy of me. I'm not getting back into a relationship right away with him. He will have to show me that he, indeed, has changed, and that he's not just spouting off at the mouth about this stuff.

Michael, my ex who originated this blog, told me that I am making big steps by accepting someone back, instead of writing them off. I know that we are not out of the woods yet, and that this might not be our only disagreement, but I want to take things slow, figure things out, and then decide what to do. No more rushing forward with things.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

So, with that said, I guess my blog is up and running (again). I have decided that no matter what happens (good or bad), I will be chronicling it. I hate backlogging, so it will be out there for whomever wants to read it.

ENJOY!

Why?

I believe when you break up with someone, usually there is a period of time in which you do not contact the other person in any way, shape or form. The reason for this "mourning" period, if you will, is so each person involved in the break-up can heal from the loss of the relationship.

I asked Dean for this when we first broke up. I explained to him, after he IMed me a mere 3 hours after the break-up, that if he wanted to be friends with me that I needed my time. I needed to get over the fact that what we had was not going to be anything permanent, and that being apart was, in fact, the best thing for both of us. He said that he understood, and (supposedly) gave me my space.

For a whole 4 days.

Yesterday, being the first day/second night of Passover, I received a text from him wishing me a happy Passover. Kind of ironic, I thought, coming from the person who shunned Judaism more than anyone I have ever met, but okay. I responded with a polite, "thanks, you too".

I thought that was the end of texts from him for a while.

I was wrong.

This morning, after waking up still feeling crappy from the allergy attack I had yesterday, I turned on my phone and hear 3 alerts that meant I had 3 text messages. "Who could possibly text me this much before noon", I thought as I went to check my phone.

This is what I found:
"just want to say hi and that i been thinking about u and what i did and maybe i was a dick about it. I miss u and i fucked up everything and I am sorry. I wish u luck. And i know i can't have u back but i hope some one can make u happy"

WHAT???

Let's pick apart what bothers me about this text (besides the fact that it was sent)

1) i been thinking about you: okay, that's great and all, but didn't YOU decide to end this?
2) I fucked up everything: great, at least you admit it
3) I miss you: you don't miss me...you miss the idea of me. You don't miss the Jewish me, the person who loves traditions made by her family, and looks forward to times when she will partake in them with her family.
4) I know I can't have you back: this line irks me the most. Do you want me back? Why would you write this????

Now I sit here, totally clueless as to what the right thing is to do. Do I text him back something like, "I need space, stop texting me", or do I ignore him? Do I de-friend him on MySpace and Facebook to make a point? My friends' suggestions range anywhere from "don't text him back" to "text him back and tell him you need space".

I love having no clue what to do. It's awesome...

A Long Story Made Short (and an epiphany to boot)

Dean and I broke up.

After 2 1/2 months of dating, he randomly brought up the fact that I keep kosher inside my house and don't eat shellfish/unkosher meat outside, and how it was an issue for him. I, stupidly/brilliantly pressed as to why it was an issue, and we got into a mini-fight on Monday night.

We decide to set up time to "talk face-to-face" the next day. I already know that this isn't going to end well...

The next day (I swear he is somewhat split-personality), he calls me like nothing is wrong....tells me that he doesn't know what he's getting me for my birthday (he's getting me something for my birthday in 2 months???). Everything is normal. We meet at my place and go into my bedroom to lay down a bit.

We're cuddling...okay...maybe this isn't going to end the way I think it's going to end...

I start the discussion. We debate back and forth as to why it is an issue (I still am clueless as to why it's a big deal at this point in our relationship).

Then it finally happens. He tells me the REAL reason for his concern: he wants nothing to do with Judaism in his house. NOTHING. No traditions, no keeping kosher, no holidays, no raising his kids with a Jewish education...NOTHING.

WHAT?????

WHY DO YOU GO ON A JEWISH DATING WEBSITE TO FIND A GIRL WHEN YOU DON'T WANT A GIRL WHO IS JEWISH????

"OMG, get the fuck out of my house", I'm thinking. I don't say this, but I think it. We sit in silence for a bit...he tries to guilt me into thinking that he's all wonderful for doing "the right thing". Give me a freaking break.

He finally leaves. He tells me he'll speak to me tomorrow (why?). I go and check my email, chat with some friends, etc.

He IMs me later, asking me how I'm feeling...what the hell? Why is he contacting me so soon??? Is he retarded?

He gets upset when I tell him that I don't want to speak to him anytime soon. I tell him that if we want to be friends ever to just leave me alone, and I need space.

He actually does.

The next day I go riding my bike on the boardwalk. I take a break and watch the ocean for a bit and realize that I am completely blowing everything in my life way out of proportion. Why am I getting so annoyed at these things happening to me when, in retrospect, my issues are minor and tiny compared to other issues in the world.

I also have an epiphany: I'm not sure if I ever want to get married or have children.

This shocks a few of my friends, probably killed my mother inside a bit, but in the end makes me feel a hell of a lot better.

My best friend isn't shocked by the latter statement about having children. She is happy that I have come to this conclusion.

So, with that, dear readers (if there are any beyond my friends), I'm taking another break from this blog. I need time to figure out who I am and what I want. I'm not pursuing anyone dating-wise. If someone comes along I may give them a chance, but I need time for me. I haven't done this ever. I have never just taken time to not date. I need to finish up my work, focus on the summer, focus on me and not stress about meeting someone who I will marry.

I need to be content with me before I do that.

Non-published post #4 (aka What the Fuck Was I Thinking?)

My roommate is insane. To be fair, she and I are polar opposites. She's a girly girl; likes to be pampered, barely leaves the house without any makeup on, freaks out at all shoes/clothes that I purchase, and comments often that "beauty is pain" and that I should just suck it up and get the shoes that hurt like hell, but look pretty. I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, and I believe that a guy should like me for me, quirks and all.

With that said, when I tell her that I am officially spending a night at the boy's apartment she drags me to Victoria's Secret to buy a "special outfit" for my "first official sleepover". What follows is an excruciating hour of her throwing things at me to try on and me wincing as I do. I'm not a skinny girl by any means, so trying on lingerie is not one of my favorite things to do. I finally ended up buying a ton of underwear and a hot pink tank top with a shelf bra. A nice compromise if you ask me. I looked cute and she was happy.

I spent the night at his place (we attempted to watch a movie, but I don't think we are at that stage of our relationship yet where we can actually watch a complete movie without making out), and the next day we went shopping. I needed to get a new car and he needed stuff for his apartment.

What...the...fuck...was...I...thinking????

There are people who are MARRIED who would never do both car and IKEA shopping in the same day. They don't because they know that after doing these things they will want to kill each other. And, since they love each other, they don't want to do that, so they opt to do these things either separately (meaning not with each other) or one place at a time.

We did not make this decision.

It was horrible. I actually had thoughts of breaking up with him after this day. It was the worst day ever.

Although, I did meet his friends. They are funny, but I was in too much of a "I hate him" haze that I think I came off a tad bitchy.

I came home and my roommate and her friend asked how my day was. As I slammed my bags down and growled, they both had looks of horror.

Yeah...wtf?

Non-published post #3

So, after SWEARING up and down, and left and right that we were going to WAIT to have sex...

(we had sex)

So, it all started with a PS2...he brought his extra PS2 over to my place because "he was going to be spending a lot of time at my place" at that justified giving me something worth over $100 after only 2 dates. After a few rounds of American Idol and Singstar, we ended up moving into the bedroom...and ended up having a crazy make-out session again. We decided to take a break and go to get some food (sushi again...what a shocker), and when we got back to my place we went at it again.

A lot.

So much, in fact, that before I knew it, we were having sex. And it was great.

To be brutally honest, there is something about this guy that makes my body do things I wasn't aware it could do. Like, get wet from a kiss. A mere kiss makes me feel like I need to change my underwear! Or that I become a freaking uber-sexual individual (which I never felt I was) in the bedroom. I want to fuck for hours! HOURS! I was never that way, even when the sex was great, eventually I would dry out or lose interest. This does not seem to be the case with this one. I wonder why...

He also spent the night. Interesting how I can't sleep next to anyone still. It totally blows, especially because I like the idea of spending the night with someone, but I just can't sleep for shit.

Second (non-published) post

Date numero dos was at "our" sushi place. We had been discussing types of food we like, and sushi came up. He told me about his sushi place and after a while I said, "That's my sushi place". Weird...

Who knew that sushi+going to Best Buy to bum around=totally awesome date? Not me, but it was amazing and awesome.

As per the advice of one of my coworkers I did not have him come in. We made out in the car a bit (sooooo awesome), and then I went upstairs. I could really fall for this guy...

To My Readers

THIS BLOG IS ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. I AM SEEING GUY WHO ACTUALLY HAS POTENTIAL!