The Best Laid Plans Go To Waste (no pun intended)

So much for not having sex...

Honestly, I have to agree with my best friend who said, "why put a time limit on when you will sleep with him again". I get the whole "I only have power over the situation if I withhold sex", but I also would be punishing myself if I did that. I also felt that he had done his penance, and I hate watching someone apologize over and over again.

I've been through enough with him making me feel like crap, don't you think?

So, after some heavy-duty making out, we had sex.

And it was great.

I love that he gets pleasure from seeing me be pleasured. I love how he makes me wet by just looking at him. I love when he grabs my hair and pulls me towards him while kissing me. I know this will sound odd (at least for the people who know me), but he makes me feel like a wanton sex goddess.

And, as we know, the goddess has all the power

There's No Sex In The Champagne Room

Dean and I had date number two (in the "let's get back in my good graces" series of dates). We went to the movies and the sat on the beach for a bit before coming back to my place.

Problem number one: my roommate was at her boyfriend's that night, and would not be coming home.

Problem number two: I really, really, really want to stick to my plan of having him wait, but at the same time I HAVE NEEDS!!!

Thankfully, he has to get up early to pick up his car from the shop, so he decides to go home (phew!). We kiss for a bit, cuddle for a bit, and then I walk him out.

He's coming over tonight to watch a movie (the one he left here). He is planning on staying over, because we are hanging out on Sunday (and breaking Passover) together. At this point I really just want to have him physically there, and talk and hold each other, not necessarily have sex.

That's what vibrators are for...

The Second/First Date

Today was the "I'm sorry I was such an idiot, please take me back" date with Dean. I was nervous, to say the least. Would I be able to hold my ground? Would I succumb to his "charms"?

I wanted to puke.

My doorbell rings. Okay girl, it's now or never.

He's wearing a "Nice Jewish Boy" shirt. Awesome.

He looks good. He smells good too when we hug (eventually...we left right away to go to the beach).

We lay on the beach on the blanket he brought, just laying there bullshitting like normal.

Finally, out come the magic words: "I'm sorry I acted like such a jerk". We can now have the conversation that I didn't know how to start. I pressed the issue at hand, asking him if he really knew what he was getting himself into. He insisted that he is okay with everything; that raising his kids Jewish is important to him.

Okay...so far so good...

We spent the rest of the day having fun: we went bike riding after laying on the beach, ate lunch by me...all in all a nice day.

I was SO GOOD about standing my ground. I didn't do anything sexual with him, and only gave him a little peck on the lips.

I'm a tad worried that I won't be able to hold my ground for a whole month...I'm so freaking turned on just thinking about him, and how good he looked in his Heeby tee...thank goodness there are other options when I'm alone to get rid of these issues.

But tomorrow night we will be seeing each other again (seeing a movie in the theater...no room for fooling around too much there). My roommate will be with her boyfriend until Saturday, so as long as Dean doesn't come back to my place, I'm good.

He knows I want to take it slow, but I feel like this will be a struggle...

Late-night thoughts

Well, it's the night before the do-over date...I'm nervous. I'm not nervous about what is going to happen...I figure I can talk to anyone, so once I see him the nerves will go away.

I'm more nervous about my ability to stick to my rules.

He seems genuine from what he has said from our IMs/texts/phone calls. He seems like he really has been missing me.

My problem is: I haven't been missing him because I have learned how to cut people out emotionally since my parents decided to get a divorce. I don't like getting hurt, and I tend to cut those out immediately who do hurt me.

This is why I am nervous.

What happens if I do fall for him (again) and he pulls some other crap similar to what he pulled last week? Will I be able to wait and forgive? Will I push him away for good?

It drives me nuts how this game of love has so many variables. It kind of makes celibacy look good at times. You can't get frustrated or hurt if there is no one there to hurt you.

But, I guess that goes along with any relationship you have with a person. The only difference with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is that you may (or may not) become sexually active with the person. And, unfortunately, with that goes more emotions that you might not invest in someone you are just good friends (or hetero-lifemates) with.

I feel like sometimes it would be easier to just say "fuck it", ask my roommate to live with me forever, get a house with her, and have lovers on and off for the rest of my life. There would be no responsibilities: no kids, no pressure to get married, no broken hearts...it almost sounds good right now.

But, I do hope for more. I do hope to break out of this cycle of leaving when things get rough, of writing people off at the first chance I get when things get uncomfortable, of being insecure when I'm in a happy relationship. I am learning to speak up when I'm not happy with something. That's a step in the right direction.

Hopefully my footprints in the sand tomorrow will lead somewhere positive...

Second Chances (aka I'm Being A Bigger Person)

Read and enjoy:
Dean: hi

well you're not talking to me but i wanted to say that i miss you and I was wrong and you were right but i know you don't want me and i am sorry

I messed up a good thing

cause I am sub

stub

me: what?

4:31 PM stubborn?

Dean: yes

not willing to try something

set in my ways

and i am sorry for that

me: i know what you mean

ok

Dean: and i am sorry i hurt you

me: ok

4:32 PM Dean: did you find some one else already

me: it's been a week

so no

Dean: lol you sexy and hot

and really nice

me: yeah, that might be, but i'm not really in the mood to go out and date, you know?

4:33 PM Dean: well i would like to take you out on a date if you would want to ?

maybe a beach date tomorrow

4:34 PM i'm a dumb ass for letting you go just cause of what you eat

a fool

my head was all fucked up and now that i have had time to see out of the box I know you were right and i was wrong

4:35 PM u there?

me: but do you understand that it goes beyond what I eat?

Dean: yes

4:36 PM me: like, there's the whole keeping a jewish house, and having traditions that I have been raised with

and would like to continue

Dean: I am a jew and my kids should know what that is too

yes i do

and i want to know them

me: ok

Dean: and you never know maybe i will like them or maybe not but i want to be with you

4:37 PM me: ok

thursday would be better

mara and i have a date tomorrow

Dean: tell her i said hi

ok

i will be free for you

4:38 PM me: ok

Dean: i know i will have to make things up to you but i will try my best

me: ok

Dean: I like you way to much to let you go

me: ok

Dean: and i am sorry it took time away from you to see that when i know it all along

me: i need to take it slow

4:39 PM Dean: thats cool

if you just want to start off as friends I can do that

me: we'll see how thursday goes

Dean: what ever you need hun

me: and go from there

Dean: ok

me: i actually have to get going to my mom's for dinner

i'll talk to you later

4:40 PM Dean: but if your going to slap me make it the right side of my face the left hurts already

me: why?

Dean: ok have fun with you mom

well it's funny

4:41 PM i was dreaming of you last night and it was a really good dream but then fall of the bed and on my face not so good

me: lol

Dean: yes i thought so to

4:42 PM cut my arm too

me: ouch

Dean: but it;'s like not even there now

just a bit of a scab

me: klutz

Dean: you know we r

=P

me: anywho, gotta run

4:43 PM Dean: any way i know you have to go and thank you for giving a fool another try even if it's one date it's a start

bye hun

---

So, Dean and I have a "date" on Thursday. I have already decided a few things about how this will go:

1) NO SEX: for at least a few weeks-months. I have electronic devices to get me through that.
2) No kissing on the first date. Fuck that shit. I'm running this game now, and he will have to wait if he's going to get back in good with me.
3) He will have to prove himself worthy of me. I'm not getting back into a relationship right away with him. He will have to show me that he, indeed, has changed, and that he's not just spouting off at the mouth about this stuff.

Michael, my ex who originated this blog, told me that I am making big steps by accepting someone back, instead of writing them off. I know that we are not out of the woods yet, and that this might not be our only disagreement, but I want to take things slow, figure things out, and then decide what to do. No more rushing forward with things.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

So, with that said, I guess my blog is up and running (again). I have decided that no matter what happens (good or bad), I will be chronicling it. I hate backlogging, so it will be out there for whomever wants to read it.

ENJOY!

Why?

I believe when you break up with someone, usually there is a period of time in which you do not contact the other person in any way, shape or form. The reason for this "mourning" period, if you will, is so each person involved in the break-up can heal from the loss of the relationship.

I asked Dean for this when we first broke up. I explained to him, after he IMed me a mere 3 hours after the break-up, that if he wanted to be friends with me that I needed my time. I needed to get over the fact that what we had was not going to be anything permanent, and that being apart was, in fact, the best thing for both of us. He said that he understood, and (supposedly) gave me my space.

For a whole 4 days.

Yesterday, being the first day/second night of Passover, I received a text from him wishing me a happy Passover. Kind of ironic, I thought, coming from the person who shunned Judaism more than anyone I have ever met, but okay. I responded with a polite, "thanks, you too".

I thought that was the end of texts from him for a while.

I was wrong.

This morning, after waking up still feeling crappy from the allergy attack I had yesterday, I turned on my phone and hear 3 alerts that meant I had 3 text messages. "Who could possibly text me this much before noon", I thought as I went to check my phone.

This is what I found:
"just want to say hi and that i been thinking about u and what i did and maybe i was a dick about it. I miss u and i fucked up everything and I am sorry. I wish u luck. And i know i can't have u back but i hope some one can make u happy"

WHAT???

Let's pick apart what bothers me about this text (besides the fact that it was sent)

1) i been thinking about you: okay, that's great and all, but didn't YOU decide to end this?
2) I fucked up everything: great, at least you admit it
3) I miss you: you don't miss me...you miss the idea of me. You don't miss the Jewish me, the person who loves traditions made by her family, and looks forward to times when she will partake in them with her family.
4) I know I can't have you back: this line irks me the most. Do you want me back? Why would you write this????

Now I sit here, totally clueless as to what the right thing is to do. Do I text him back something like, "I need space, stop texting me", or do I ignore him? Do I de-friend him on MySpace and Facebook to make a point? My friends' suggestions range anywhere from "don't text him back" to "text him back and tell him you need space".

I love having no clue what to do. It's awesome...

A Long Story Made Short (and an epiphany to boot)

Dean and I broke up.

After 2 1/2 months of dating, he randomly brought up the fact that I keep kosher inside my house and don't eat shellfish/unkosher meat outside, and how it was an issue for him. I, stupidly/brilliantly pressed as to why it was an issue, and we got into a mini-fight on Monday night.

We decide to set up time to "talk face-to-face" the next day. I already know that this isn't going to end well...

The next day (I swear he is somewhat split-personality), he calls me like nothing is wrong....tells me that he doesn't know what he's getting me for my birthday (he's getting me something for my birthday in 2 months???). Everything is normal. We meet at my place and go into my bedroom to lay down a bit.

We're cuddling...okay...maybe this isn't going to end the way I think it's going to end...

I start the discussion. We debate back and forth as to why it is an issue (I still am clueless as to why it's a big deal at this point in our relationship).

Then it finally happens. He tells me the REAL reason for his concern: he wants nothing to do with Judaism in his house. NOTHING. No traditions, no keeping kosher, no holidays, no raising his kids with a Jewish education...NOTHING.

WHAT?????

WHY DO YOU GO ON A JEWISH DATING WEBSITE TO FIND A GIRL WHEN YOU DON'T WANT A GIRL WHO IS JEWISH????

"OMG, get the fuck out of my house", I'm thinking. I don't say this, but I think it. We sit in silence for a bit...he tries to guilt me into thinking that he's all wonderful for doing "the right thing". Give me a freaking break.

He finally leaves. He tells me he'll speak to me tomorrow (why?). I go and check my email, chat with some friends, etc.

He IMs me later, asking me how I'm feeling...what the hell? Why is he contacting me so soon??? Is he retarded?

He gets upset when I tell him that I don't want to speak to him anytime soon. I tell him that if we want to be friends ever to just leave me alone, and I need space.

He actually does.

The next day I go riding my bike on the boardwalk. I take a break and watch the ocean for a bit and realize that I am completely blowing everything in my life way out of proportion. Why am I getting so annoyed at these things happening to me when, in retrospect, my issues are minor and tiny compared to other issues in the world.

I also have an epiphany: I'm not sure if I ever want to get married or have children.

This shocks a few of my friends, probably killed my mother inside a bit, but in the end makes me feel a hell of a lot better.

My best friend isn't shocked by the latter statement about having children. She is happy that I have come to this conclusion.

So, with that, dear readers (if there are any beyond my friends), I'm taking another break from this blog. I need time to figure out who I am and what I want. I'm not pursuing anyone dating-wise. If someone comes along I may give them a chance, but I need time for me. I haven't done this ever. I have never just taken time to not date. I need to finish up my work, focus on the summer, focus on me and not stress about meeting someone who I will marry.

I need to be content with me before I do that.