Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Late-night thoughts

Well, it's the night before the do-over date...I'm nervous. I'm not nervous about what is going to happen...I figure I can talk to anyone, so once I see him the nerves will go away.

I'm more nervous about my ability to stick to my rules.

He seems genuine from what he has said from our IMs/texts/phone calls. He seems like he really has been missing me.

My problem is: I haven't been missing him because I have learned how to cut people out emotionally since my parents decided to get a divorce. I don't like getting hurt, and I tend to cut those out immediately who do hurt me.

This is why I am nervous.

What happens if I do fall for him (again) and he pulls some other crap similar to what he pulled last week? Will I be able to wait and forgive? Will I push him away for good?

It drives me nuts how this game of love has so many variables. It kind of makes celibacy look good at times. You can't get frustrated or hurt if there is no one there to hurt you.

But, I guess that goes along with any relationship you have with a person. The only difference with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is that you may (or may not) become sexually active with the person. And, unfortunately, with that goes more emotions that you might not invest in someone you are just good friends (or hetero-lifemates) with.

I feel like sometimes it would be easier to just say "fuck it", ask my roommate to live with me forever, get a house with her, and have lovers on and off for the rest of my life. There would be no responsibilities: no kids, no pressure to get married, no broken almost sounds good right now.

But, I do hope for more. I do hope to break out of this cycle of leaving when things get rough, of writing people off at the first chance I get when things get uncomfortable, of being insecure when I'm in a happy relationship. I am learning to speak up when I'm not happy with something. That's a step in the right direction.

Hopefully my footprints in the sand tomorrow will lead somewhere positive...