Saturday, April 19, 2008

A Long Story Made Short (and an epiphany to boot)

Dean and I broke up.

After 2 1/2 months of dating, he randomly brought up the fact that I keep kosher inside my house and don't eat shellfish/unkosher meat outside, and how it was an issue for him. I, stupidly/brilliantly pressed as to why it was an issue, and we got into a mini-fight on Monday night.

We decide to set up time to "talk face-to-face" the next day. I already know that this isn't going to end well...

The next day (I swear he is somewhat split-personality), he calls me like nothing is wrong....tells me that he doesn't know what he's getting me for my birthday (he's getting me something for my birthday in 2 months???). Everything is normal. We meet at my place and go into my bedroom to lay down a bit.

We're cuddling...okay...maybe this isn't going to end the way I think it's going to end...

I start the discussion. We debate back and forth as to why it is an issue (I still am clueless as to why it's a big deal at this point in our relationship).

Then it finally happens. He tells me the REAL reason for his concern: he wants nothing to do with Judaism in his house. NOTHING. No traditions, no keeping kosher, no holidays, no raising his kids with a Jewish education...NOTHING.



"OMG, get the fuck out of my house", I'm thinking. I don't say this, but I think it. We sit in silence for a bit...he tries to guilt me into thinking that he's all wonderful for doing "the right thing". Give me a freaking break.

He finally leaves. He tells me he'll speak to me tomorrow (why?). I go and check my email, chat with some friends, etc.

He IMs me later, asking me how I'm feeling...what the hell? Why is he contacting me so soon??? Is he retarded?

He gets upset when I tell him that I don't want to speak to him anytime soon. I tell him that if we want to be friends ever to just leave me alone, and I need space.

He actually does.

The next day I go riding my bike on the boardwalk. I take a break and watch the ocean for a bit and realize that I am completely blowing everything in my life way out of proportion. Why am I getting so annoyed at these things happening to me when, in retrospect, my issues are minor and tiny compared to other issues in the world.

I also have an epiphany: I'm not sure if I ever want to get married or have children.

This shocks a few of my friends, probably killed my mother inside a bit, but in the end makes me feel a hell of a lot better.

My best friend isn't shocked by the latter statement about having children. She is happy that I have come to this conclusion.

So, with that, dear readers (if there are any beyond my friends), I'm taking another break from this blog. I need time to figure out who I am and what I want. I'm not pursuing anyone dating-wise. If someone comes along I may give them a chance, but I need time for me. I haven't done this ever. I have never just taken time to not date. I need to finish up my work, focus on the summer, focus on me and not stress about meeting someone who I will marry.

I need to be content with me before I do that.