How Many Fights Does It Take To Make Me End A Relationship?

3 (well, technically 4)...within a 3-week period...especially when I realized that this relationship was doomed from the taking back.

Let's start at the beginning:

Week #1: We make plans to hang out on a Friday night. At 10. After a long-ass day of work. And then we were getting up at 8am to go to the Aquarium with his parents.

He calls me at 8 that night to tell me that he's going to have to meet me at 11 instead (great) because the thing he was working on with his best friend was running longer than expected.

Needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled. He sensed this, and later, when he called me to ask where I was, preceded to get annoyed that I was a tad annoyed. A TAD being the key word here.

The trip to the Aquarium was nice (at least I thought). Little did I know that he was holding a grudge about me being annoyed from the night before. I got the cold shoulder the entire time there (his parents are nice...it's a shame that they will never be my in-laws), and after the trip I went home.

Weirdness ensues...

Week #2: Finally, we have planned to hang out alone on Saturday after my in-service class. I get a text mid-class saying that he got a call from his brother telling him that he had to go to his sister-in-law's grandfather's birthday dinner. Now, a normal boyfriend would automatically ask me if I wanted to go (and not give me an option of staying home), but instead it took a very long time for me to coax that offer out of him. I told him that I couldn't really discuss it, and that I would call him when I got out of the class.

I called him on the way home, and he informs me that he already told his brother that I wasn't coming.

Huh? When did I say that?

We then entered into a huge fight that eventually ended with us grumbling that I would go (why the fuck would he tell his brother I wasn't coming???) and that we were both pissed at each other. I went to the dinner, and, even after apologizing for not understanding why it was important for him to be there, he still treated me like I wasn't there once we got back to his place.

Let us now enter into Awkwardland...

Week #3: After a very long phone conversation the following Tuesday about what was bothering both of us (in which he brought up the whole keeping kosher thing AGAIN, even though it was supposedly not an issue anymore), I felt like this was going to be the end of us. My party that I had came and went (all with no physical contact from him, during and after the party), and Sunday rolled around (aka the day before the death of our relationship).

I texted him to find out what time his friend's BBQ was on Monday. He had told me about it the weekend before, but I never gave him a response as to whether or not I was going. He texted me back, "I don't know, why?" I responded that I wanted to plan out my day.

This is the response I got: Why does it matter. You're not coming.

WHEN THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT????

We then got into (over the phone) a screaming match that lasted a while. My friend was over, and it was nice to have a person present to see what I had been dealing with for the past 2 weeks. Nothing was resolved by the time I hung up on him, and when he texted me an hour later with a lame quasi-apology, there was still no invitation to the BBQ.

Why doesn't my boyfriend want me at these things with his friends? Does he not get that when you are in a relationship with someone, the other person shouldn't have to RSVP for things and that it is just assumed that they will be there (unless they say otherwise)?

The next day I decided that I really needed to talk. He decided to stay at his friend's BBQ instead of coming out to me (wrong move #1), and when he called me, he immediately went off on me as soon as I told him how upset I was (wrong move #2). After me saying something he found offensive ("Did I stutter?"), he hung up (wrong move #3). He called me back (I ignored him) and after checking the voicemail, I called him back. The conversation this time wasn't much different. He went off the minute I said anything that contradicted his point of view, and I got so frustrated with him, that I hung up after saying, "Go fuck yourself".

I have blocked him. MySpace, Facebook, IM...everything I can possibly do to prevent him from harassing me, I have done. I am so done with him. I can't be with someone who is so close-minded, so irrational, and so immature that they fight the way I did when I was 15. The difference here is that I don't fight the way I did when I was 15. I grew up, and know when to check what's going through my brain, and prevent it from coming out of my mouth.

So, while he was the most passionate boyfriend I have had, he was also a dick. I rather be alone and happy than miserable with him.

Side note: the day after we broke up, I received the invitation to the surprise party I was helping his mom plan. I had to RSVP (which I did, thankfully to voicemail), but he'll never know that I told his mom about the breakup (possibly before he did) because she can't tell him she spoke to me. Thank you surprise parties!!!

A Change

I think we have hit a roadblock. I don't know what it is exactly, but it's there, and I don't like it.

For someone who was all "I miss you so much" when we broke up, he's not seeming that way now, and I am growing sick and tired of it.

Part of me is staying because I'm hoping it's a rut that he's in, and that once whatever is bugging him passes it will go back to how awesome it was in the beginning.

The other part is staying because I want Rockband...this would be the evil, horrible, cruel part of me.

I have hope that he will go back to how he used to be, especially because I really liked him, and could see myself living with that person for the rest of my life. This funk-getting-into person that I am dating now is not someone I can see myself with forever.

I need to reflect a bit...

The Intensity Continues

It's kind of a blessing in disguise when someone screws up in a relationship.

Ever since Dean and I got back together things have been great. Hanging out again has no stress attached to it, primarily because I realized that he likes me for me (not because I look like Leonardo, or the guy who played in Fargo, I think his name was Steve...tee hee, I had to). We are having fun, and I'm not freaking out or getting annoyed by things that I used to get annoyed at because they no longer exist.

Also, the sex is super intense and amazing.

I like sex as much as the next girl, but honestly I could live without it if I had to. However, with Dean the sex is so intense, and we have such a connection, that I would be speechless and lost for a long time if I couldn't experience it with him anymore.

I also think I am falling in love with him.

I think he is also falling in love with me, but neither of us has actually said it to each other. I think this because he made me a mix CD and 99% of the songs had to do with love/being in love/falling for someone/etc.

He's meeting my mother on Wednesday. We'll see how that goes, and what happens after that.

The Best Laid Plans Go To Waste (no pun intended)

So much for not having sex...

Honestly, I have to agree with my best friend who said, "why put a time limit on when you will sleep with him again". I get the whole "I only have power over the situation if I withhold sex", but I also would be punishing myself if I did that. I also felt that he had done his penance, and I hate watching someone apologize over and over again.

I've been through enough with him making me feel like crap, don't you think?

So, after some heavy-duty making out, we had sex.

And it was great.

I love that he gets pleasure from seeing me be pleasured. I love how he makes me wet by just looking at him. I love when he grabs my hair and pulls me towards him while kissing me. I know this will sound odd (at least for the people who know me), but he makes me feel like a wanton sex goddess.

And, as we know, the goddess has all the power

There's No Sex In The Champagne Room

Dean and I had date number two (in the "let's get back in my good graces" series of dates). We went to the movies and the sat on the beach for a bit before coming back to my place.

Problem number one: my roommate was at her boyfriend's that night, and would not be coming home.

Problem number two: I really, really, really want to stick to my plan of having him wait, but at the same time I HAVE NEEDS!!!

Thankfully, he has to get up early to pick up his car from the shop, so he decides to go home (phew!). We kiss for a bit, cuddle for a bit, and then I walk him out.

He's coming over tonight to watch a movie (the one he left here). He is planning on staying over, because we are hanging out on Sunday (and breaking Passover) together. At this point I really just want to have him physically there, and talk and hold each other, not necessarily have sex.

That's what vibrators are for...

The Second/First Date

Today was the "I'm sorry I was such an idiot, please take me back" date with Dean. I was nervous, to say the least. Would I be able to hold my ground? Would I succumb to his "charms"?

I wanted to puke.

My doorbell rings. Okay girl, it's now or never.

He's wearing a "Nice Jewish Boy" shirt. Awesome.

He looks good. He smells good too when we hug (eventually...we left right away to go to the beach).

We lay on the beach on the blanket he brought, just laying there bullshitting like normal.

Finally, out come the magic words: "I'm sorry I acted like such a jerk". We can now have the conversation that I didn't know how to start. I pressed the issue at hand, asking him if he really knew what he was getting himself into. He insisted that he is okay with everything; that raising his kids Jewish is important to him.

Okay...so far so good...

We spent the rest of the day having fun: we went bike riding after laying on the beach, ate lunch by me...all in all a nice day.

I was SO GOOD about standing my ground. I didn't do anything sexual with him, and only gave him a little peck on the lips.

I'm a tad worried that I won't be able to hold my ground for a whole month...I'm so freaking turned on just thinking about him, and how good he looked in his Heeby tee...thank goodness there are other options when I'm alone to get rid of these issues.

But tomorrow night we will be seeing each other again (seeing a movie in the theater...no room for fooling around too much there). My roommate will be with her boyfriend until Saturday, so as long as Dean doesn't come back to my place, I'm good.

He knows I want to take it slow, but I feel like this will be a struggle...

Late-night thoughts

Well, it's the night before the do-over date...I'm nervous. I'm not nervous about what is going to happen...I figure I can talk to anyone, so once I see him the nerves will go away.

I'm more nervous about my ability to stick to my rules.

He seems genuine from what he has said from our IMs/texts/phone calls. He seems like he really has been missing me.

My problem is: I haven't been missing him because I have learned how to cut people out emotionally since my parents decided to get a divorce. I don't like getting hurt, and I tend to cut those out immediately who do hurt me.

This is why I am nervous.

What happens if I do fall for him (again) and he pulls some other crap similar to what he pulled last week? Will I be able to wait and forgive? Will I push him away for good?

It drives me nuts how this game of love has so many variables. It kind of makes celibacy look good at times. You can't get frustrated or hurt if there is no one there to hurt you.

But, I guess that goes along with any relationship you have with a person. The only difference with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is that you may (or may not) become sexually active with the person. And, unfortunately, with that goes more emotions that you might not invest in someone you are just good friends (or hetero-lifemates) with.

I feel like sometimes it would be easier to just say "fuck it", ask my roommate to live with me forever, get a house with her, and have lovers on and off for the rest of my life. There would be no responsibilities: no kids, no pressure to get married, no broken hearts...it almost sounds good right now.

But, I do hope for more. I do hope to break out of this cycle of leaving when things get rough, of writing people off at the first chance I get when things get uncomfortable, of being insecure when I'm in a happy relationship. I am learning to speak up when I'm not happy with something. That's a step in the right direction.

Hopefully my footprints in the sand tomorrow will lead somewhere positive...